


if we naruto run, we can move faster than their bullets (even ghost bullets)

by WaffleDogOfficial



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Fluff and Crack, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Inspired by Buzzfeed Unsolved, Naruto and Sasuke are idiots, Naruto is an Idiot, Sasuke is an idiot too, Supernatural Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 14:09:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29333583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaffleDogOfficial/pseuds/WaffleDogOfficial
Summary: One might have almost believed Naruto and Sasuke were reasonable people. But when together and without Sakura, stupidity was the only option.Or: In which Naruto and Sasuke conduct a paranormal investigation.
Relationships: Haruno Sakura & Uchiha Sasuke & Uzumaki Naruto, Uchiha Sasuke & Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 1
Kudos: 10
Collections: Naruto AU Week 2021





	if we naruto run, we can move faster than their bullets (even ghost bullets)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Amationary](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amationary/gifts).



It was a late summer night in Rachel, the closest settlement to Area 51, when _The Raid_ took place. In the weeks following said incident, Naruto and Sasuke would come to swear alcohol had been responsible for their actions. But anyone even marginally familiar with the men involved could surmise the truth.

But before telling that tale, it's necessary to start at the beginning.

It all began on a warm summer night. Naruto, then a recent graduate of 22 years of age, scrolled through a paranormal investigations internet forum at three in the morning. A post for a paranormal event caught his eye.

  


**THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE! Come to Rachel and find THE TRUTH. See what THE GOVERNMENT is hiding from YOU!!!**

  


Beneath the words was a description of a meetup in Rachel, Nevada. According to the post, it would be a one-day conference with discussions about extraterrestrial life, cryptids, and government cover ups.

Living only an eight hour drive away from Rachel, Naruto’s eyes started to glitter and he bounced in excitement as a plan began to form. Excited, he texted his friends with the link to the forum post. Sasuke responded a short moment later.

  


  


[03:39] Naruto: yo this thing looks cool   
[03:39] Naruto: wanna go together?  
[03:43] Sasuke: What the fuck are you doing awake at 3 am idiot?  
[03:44] Naruto: idk wbu?  
[03:45] Sasuke: None of your business  
[03:45] Sasuke: Also what the hell did you send me?  
[03:47] Naruto: its a cool evnt close to area 51  
[03:47] Naruto: lets go together with sakura  
[03:47] Naruto: b4 summer ends  
[03:48] Sasuke: Are you going to do something stupid that might get you arrested?  
[03:50] Naruto: ?  
[03:50] Naruto: nah i just wanna investigate area 51 and find evidence of aliens ya know  
[03:51] Sasuke: I'm in  
[03:55] Sakura: What the fuck is wrong with you two???  
[03:55] Sakura: You woke me up!  
[03:56] Naruto: sakura! sasuke says he wanna go to rachel  
[03:56] Naruto: you in?  
[03:57] Sakura: ....  
[03:57] Sakura: Sure

With an agreement in place, Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke packed their things into their Jeep and drove to Rachel.

On the entire ride there, Naruto rambled about aliens, ghosts, the supernatural, and the “evidence” for their existence. Sakura and Sasuke said little, long used to their friend's rambling. Exhausted after a long drive, they arrived in Rachel in the evening and tucked into bed early.

The morning after, Naruto woke Sakura and Sasuke early for the meetup. Groaning and rubbing the sleep out of their eyes, they followed their blond friend.

Inside the house of a conspiracy theorist’s mother, the trio sat shoulder to shoulder with some of the most infamous members of the online cryptology communities. After brief introductions, the meeting began.

Sweating from the summer heat, participants shared their theories and evidence regarding aliens and the government cover-up for their existence. The discussion was broken up only for a lunch break that consisted of cheap ham and cheese sandwiches.

While Naruto was transfixed— chiming in often and asking thousands of questions, his friends were another story. Sasuke sipped from his glass of water and said nothing while Sakura took notes to send to Ino later.

Naruto noticed his friends’ boredom but he didn’t care. He had spent the last ten years of their lives telling them about his theories and ideas. If that hadn’t stopped them from staying his friends, then nothing would.

By the time the event ended, the sun had set and the trio returned to the only motel/bar/restaurant in town. On the drive back, Naruto blathered on and on about everything they had “learned” about. Too exhausted to argue, Sakura and Sasuke nodded along.

After cleaning up and resting for a while, they headed down to the bar/restaurant to eat dinner. Starving with only mediocre sandwiches in their stomachs, the trio dug right into their meals.

“That was such a cool event, ya know!” Naruto mumbled through a mouth full of food. “I wish they’d talked more about ghosts though.”

Sasuke rolled his eyes as he placed his burger back on its plate. “Ghosts aren’t real, Naruto.”

“And aliens are?” Sakura raised an eyebrow as she took a sip of beer.

“No.” Sasuke shook his head. “But aliens seem more likely to be real than ghosts.”

Naruto glared at Sasuke as he chewed. “Come with me on a walk through a haunted house with an EMF reader and you’ll become a believer too, ya know!”

Sasuke snorted. “Perhaps I will. If only to show you the truth.”

“I know the truth!”

“No, you don’t.”

Sakura shook her head and sighed. She tuned out their conversation and took a long drink of beer. After a day listening to alien conspiracy theorists, she had no desire to hear more of it from her own friends. At least Ino would get a kick out of her notes, she thought.

A few minutes later, she finished her drink and her meal. Her two friends were still arguing, their burgers half-finished. With a sigh, she stood up and stretched her arms over her head.

“I’m gonna go take a shower and tuck in,” she interrupted with a fake smile. “Don’t go to sleep too late. We have a long drive tomorrow.”

The two men turned to her, blinking as their conversation was interrupted. They gave her twin nods.

“Sure, Sakura,” Naruto said. “We’ll just finish eating and go to our room.”

“Hn,” Sasuke grunted before taking a sip of his beer.

Sakura hummed to herself in joy. It looked like her friends were going to be reasonable for once.

She had no idea how wrong she was. With false hopes filling her head, she headed up to her room, daydreaming of a shower to wash the exhausting day away.

With Sakura headed to bed, Naruto and Sasuke finished eating and moved to the bar for more drinks. Yawning, they leaned against the counter and half-watched the basketball game on the television hanging from the wall.

“Ghosts are too real,” Naruto mumbled into his beer.

Glass halfway to his lips, Sasuke snorted. “Keep telling yourself that.”

Naruto drained his glass before slamming it down on the counter. “Just cause you haven’t seen ghosts or aliens doesn’t mean they don’t exist, ya know!”

“If they were real, why don’t we have evidence they are?” Sasuke asked, draining his own glass. “And doctored photos and vague audio is not enough.”

“Fine!” Flushed and slightly tipsy, Naruto bolted up, slamming his hands down on the counter. “Come with me and I’ll show you!”

“Show me what?” Sasuke rubbed at his eyes and yawned.

“Show you the truth!” Gripping Sasuke’s shoulder, Naruto dragged him up and out.

“Hey! What’d—” Sasuke tried to break himself free from Naruto’s clutches, but it was near impossible.

“Stop squirming!” Naruto whined as they left the bar and headed toward the car.

“Hey! You’re not supposed to drink and drive!” Sasuke protested.

“I’m just getting my supplies, ya know!” Naruto unlocked the Jeep and opened the trunk. He took out a messenger bag full of his “ghost hunting” tools before digging around some more.

“What’s all this, anyway?” Sasuke poked at the messenger bag.

“My EMF reader and my recorders are there.” Naruto handed Sasuke a flashlight, taking one for his own use. His supplies almost looked reasonable until he pulled out what looked like a gun holster and slung it around his hips.

“Where the hell did you get a gun from?” Sasuke was sure that either he or Sakura would have noticed it when they were packing.

Naruto smirked before drawing his gun out, revealing it to be...

“Is that a water gun?”

“Yup!” Naruto smirked as if he was wielding something actually dangerous. “But inside is holy water! That way if we bump into any ghosts we’ll be protected, ya know!”

Sasuke couldn’t help it. He laughed, harder than he could remember laughing in a very long time, although that was not saying much. Naruto pouted at him, waiting for him to finish. When he did, wiping an errant tear away, Sasuke still could not help himself.

“Ghosts aren’t real, Naruto.”

“Yes, they are!”

“And even if they were real, holy water isn’t going to do anything.”

“You won’t say that when the ghosts attack.” Naruto huffed and holstered his gun before looking away at the night desert distance like a wannabe John Wayne.

Sasuke rolled his eyes. “So are we doing anything or are you just going to look into the same emptiness as your brain?”

Naruto pouted again but he had no retort. With a huff, he gestured for Sasuke to follow him.

Side by side, Naruto and Sasuke walked the worn dirt trails in the vague direction of Area 51. Naruto held his EMF reader with one hand, muttering as it failed to pick up anything except weak pings. Sasuke rolled his eyes the entire time, muttering about idiots and conspiracies.

But other than sniping at each other, they said little until they encountered a set of footprints. The prints created a track that left the trail and wandered onto the open desert.

“Wait, Sasuke, do you see that?” Naruto crouched low and pointed at the first set of prints. “Do they look like feet to you?”

Sasuke frowned and moved the light of his flashlight closer. “They look like prints but the shape is... weird.”

“And they’re really small, too,” Naruto added, putting the palm of his hand down next to a print for comparison. “Look! It’s tiny! Isn’t that weird?”

“Could’ve been from a kid.”

“What kinda parent lets their children wander outside the trail though?” Naruto turned to Sasuke with a frown. “And this area is supposedly only used by the military and the government, right? So why would there be such a small footprint here?”

Sasuke had no retort to that. Confused, they crouched in silence as they examined the tracks for a few moments. Theories and hypotheses tumbled around in their heads.

“Should we follow them?” Naruto stood up and walked away before Sasuke could answer.

“Hey, wait!” Sasuke ran after him, his light joining Naruto’s.

“Look! They’re leading down and...”

“And what?” Sasuke would never admit it, but the desert loneliness was beginning to spook him. He stayed close to Naruto.

“Sasuke?”

“What?”

“Look.”

They pointed their flashlights together at the closest object. But it was only a wooden post.

Sasuke snorted and rolled his eyes, showing more bravery than he actually felt. “It’s just a post, Naruto. Big deal.”

“But look, the path goes off here.” Sure enough, whoever had walked there had turned south. “Let’s follow.”

Naruto and Sasuke entered further into the desert depths. Already the town lights were specks in the distance and the world was eerily quiet. They would never admit it to each other but there was a certain—

AWOOOOOOOOOO!

Everything happened in quick succession. The two men flinched while the EMF reader went haywire— beeping and lighting up like a firework. With the combination of the spooky howl and the sensor, Naruto dropped his flashlight. It made a terrible crashing sound as it fell to the ground.

“W-what was that?” Sasuke swallowed, hoping Naruto hadn’t noticed his momentary stutter.

Naruto had noticed it but considering he was shaking like a leaf he didn’t have a leg to stand on. “I-I-I th-think it was a gh-ghost!”

The topic of ghosts brought Sasuke back to reality. “Ghosts aren’t real!”

“If ghosts aren’t real, then why did the EMF reader go off and why did we hear that creepy sound?” Naruto shouted back.

“Well...” Sasuke swallowed, mind blank. “It’s still not definitive proof.”

Naruto huffed as he bent down to pick up his flashlight. “I guess it could be aliens, too,” he conceded.

“Would aliens make that noise and produce EMF signals?”

“I guess.” Naruto shrugged before his expression became serious again. “Although it’s possible...”

“Possible?”

Naruto turned to meet Sasuke’s eyes, face serious. “Possible we’re getting contacted by alien ghosts.”

“Alien... ghosts?” While any other time Sasuke would have laughed, the desert made even the most unlikely things appear possible.

“Or ghost aliens,” Naruto conceded. “I mean, in the 50’s the government took aliens that crash-landed on Earth and moved them to Area 51. What if the aliens died here and their ghosts haunt the area?”

“Ghosts aren’t real,” Sasuke repeated his usual mantra but for the first time he did not sound entirely convinced.

Naruto noticed the momentary doubt and pounced. “Well, if they’re not real, why don’t we keep going?”

Sasuke snorted and rolled his eyes. “Fine.”

"Fine."

With the EMF reader still going haywire, they followed the tracks, which led south toward Area 51. To their relief they heard no more spooky sounds as they walked.

“Wait... Sasuke... do you see that?” Naruto pointed at something in the distance.

Sasuke followed his finger. Miles away in the distance was a bright circular light. The two men watched it for a few seconds before it rose, rising slowly before accelerating and shooting up into the sky. Seconds later, it was flying in the air while a boom echoed throughout the desert.

“Naruto... I—” Sasuke was lost for words. He had spent a better portion of his life telling Naruto off for visiting conspiracy forums and websites. And now, evidence of the supernatural had been revealed right in front of his eyes.

“Do you believe me now, Sasuke?” Naruto shouted, sounding both victorious and angry. “I told you we would find the truth!”

“I...” Sasuke swallowed before nodding. “I will admit there’s something going on,” he admitted. “But we don’t have enough proof of the alien ghosts to say with any certainty.”

“Then why don’t we look for more?” Naruto asked.

“More?”

Naruto’s eyes twinkled with mischief, obvious even in the desert night. “So why don’t we get closer to Area 51 and see what we can record?”

Sasuke felt his pulse quicken as Naruto waited for his response. While on any other night he would have called Naruto’s idea preposterous, it now made perfect sense. With grim determination, he grunted in assent.

Saying little, they walked closer and closer to the border of Area 51. Eventually, they reached a sign with some sort of instructions. Naruto shined his flashlight on it, but without any other light, it was difficult to make out the words.

“That sign can’t stop me because I can’t read it!” Naruto declared as he walked past it.

Sasuke pointed his own light, but the metallic surface reflected the beam away, making it difficult to read without Naruto’s help. With a shrug, he walked past the sign too.

Only a few moments later, they heard the second mysterious sound of the night. A high pitched honk sounded from somewhere in the distance behind them.

The two men screamed. They sprinted into the empty desert, Sasuke dropping his flashlight as he followed Naruto. The alien ghosts (or ghost aliens; they were still unclear on the distinction) had manifested in the physical realm and were chasing after them. After all, what else could produce such a terrible sound in the middle of the desert?

But instead of leaving the sound behind, their twin screams had alerted the source of the noise. It honked again, sounding closer than before.

Naruto and Sasuke screamed again, louder and more scared than before. Not only was there loud honking now, but strong lights shone behind them, ready to abduct and dissect them. That spurred them to run faster.

But it was still not enough. Naruto fell, his flashlight bouncing away into the desert while his EMF sensor continued to beep uncontrollably. Sasuke felt tears building in the corner of his eyes. For him, this was the end. He was going to be abducted. He would never see his family again. He would—

“You better stop fucking running, Sasuke or I'll kill you with my bare hands!" A furious voice emanated from the object chasing him.

The unexpectedness was enough to throw him off and make him trip, the palms of his hands scraping against the rough surface. But he ignored the stinging sensation. Scrambling, he tried to stand but the ground’s texture combined with his own panic made it impossible.

A screeching sound came from behind Sasuke as he tried frantically to crawl away. Soon after, what sounded like the loudest footsteps in the world came up to him. The creature walked up to him and grabbed him by the ankle. In the last moments of what he perceived as life, he hoped to apologize in the afterlife for ever doubting Naruto.

Of course, Sasuke would never have to make that apology. Because he never died. Because ghosts aren’t real. Probably.

“I told you to stop fucking running, Sasuke!” A voice that sounded eerily like Sakura said as it pulled at his ankle.

The suddenness of it made Sasuke stop squirming long enough to turn back and look at his captor. The possibility of aliens using some sort of voice copying technology seemed likely but—

“Will you just stop?” The voice combined with surprising strength told Sasuke it wasn’t an illusion.

“S-Sakura?” Sasuke stopped trying to escape.

Sensing his compliance, Sakura let go of his ankle, letting him move into a sitting position. Wincing, for he had now remembered his wounded hands, he stood up. Sakura glared at him, hands on hips, angrier than he could ever remember. Despite her being significantly shorter, Sasuke felt like a grade schooler sent to the principal’s office.

Sakura shook with rage and it was clear she was getting ready to ream him out. But to the temporary relief of Sasuke’s ears, she instead turned and gestured for Sasuke to follow her.

“Come on, we’ve got to find Naruto,” she ordered.

“S-sure.” Sasuke followed, unsure if he would have rather been dissected by aliens instead. Angry Sakura was someone he had a rightful fear of.

Shouting his name, they found Naruto easily, since he had come at the sound of Sakura and Sasuke’s voice. Every inch of him was covered in dust from the desert and the knees of his jeans were frayed from where he had fallen. He held the still beeping EMF reader in his hands. Shivering, both from fear and the cold, he stared at them like a kitten unwillingly given a bath.

Sasuke smirked. Naruto had always been a scaredy cat, Sasuke thought, conveniently forgetting about his own recent behavior.

“S-Sasuke? S-Sakura?” Naruto mumbled the names of his friends as he stared them up and down in disbelief. “Y-you’re not aliens in disguise, are you? Or did you die and come back as ghosts to lead me into the afterlife?”

Sakura’s eyes became, if possible, angrier than before. Her entire face turned red with fury and she seemed to be biting her lip to keep the worst inside. Naruto and Sasuke flinched, getting ready for the lecture of their lives.

But instead something worse happened. Sakura smiled, sending shivers of fear down their spines as their lives flashed before their eyes.

“Let’s just get to bed,” she said in a sweet voice that evoked images of gravesites and daggers. “And you have to clean up those scratches too, don’t you?”

Knowing they would be murdered if they didn’t comply, Naruto and Sasuke nodded. Trailing after her in shame, they returned to their Jeep. Sakura drove back to their motel in silence, the radio turned off. With not a single word exchanged, they each went up to their rooms.

Naruto and Sasuke washed and tended their wounds before tucking into bed. And as they fell asleep, they knew they would be in a world of suffering the morning after when they drove back home. But as they drifted to sleep, they remembered the footprints, EMF reader, and howls.

Of course, none of those events had supernatural origins. The footprints were small and strangely shaped because a soldier with small feet had made them during her rounds. The howl had been no more than a coyote on the hunt. The EMF reader had come to life because of their proximity to a large military base full of electronic devices and machines. Meanwhile, the strange light in the sky had been nothing more than a late night test flight.

But those explanations would never occur to Naruto. More certain than ever before in the existence of aliens, ghosts, and ghost aliens, Naruto drifted to sleep.

On the other bed, Sasuke's thoughts ran along the same lines. In his mind, there was nothing that could explain what they had experienced. And just like Naruto, Sasuke became a believer, too.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you, Morket for beta-reading this fic! You're cool. 
> 
> Also check out the comic my friend Ama made related to this idea. It's over on their [Tumblr](https://amascorner.tumblr.com/post/642653504876445696/naruto-au-week-day-2-folktales-area-51-in) and was drawn while we were talking about this crack idea hahaha.
> 
> Also, also, I hated doing the formatting for this fic and I almost wanted to cry trying to do colored text. But it looks pretty so I guess it's worth it.


End file.
